They're poorly acted, poorly written, and poorly directed. That's probably the best way to sum it up. To analyze why in detail would be several blog posts on it's own. They offend nearly all five senses, depending on your choice of movie theater. These are among the blandest movies of all time, and that's counting the movies that are considered, "good," right now. In a world where Les Miserables (the 2012 version, I haven't seen the '80s one) wins awards and receives critical acclaim on a grand scale, THESE are the movies that are the most hated. (With the exception of The Hunger Games, which, honestly, is only liked because people loved the book, which itself was not too good, in my opinion. But this blog is about movies, not books.)
They're nearly impossible to watch for anyone who has good taste or a sense of self-preservation. Now you may be thinking, "Well of course they're hard to watch. They're BAD MOVIES! Duh!"
Well I'd have to disagree with you. Bad movies can be loads of fun to watch. Bad and/or campy movies can be some of the greatest experiences of your life. Below are some of my favorite movies.
These movies are really campy. Super duper campy. All of them. However, I'd watch any of these movies any given day. I love all of them.
Unlike today's under-acting cardboard actors, these actors OVER-acted. REALLY over-acted. But not just because they were bad actors. They were bad actors with a passion! They dreamed of being great! They loved the cinema!
Where modern film music bores you to death while simultaneously making you want to end your wretched life of non-stimulation, these movies, for the most part, had really nice music! A lot of care was put into it to make it memorable if it was original.
This track in particular is absolutely beautiful! What in the world is it doing in this movie?!
This is so stupid! BUT SO AWESOOOOOME! Isn't it much more entertaining than all of the pale-faced douches of the modern cinema? With their scowling and cool jackets. The jackets! Therein lies the reason for the actually bad, "bad," movies of today.
Making movies back in the day was not nearly as easy as it is today.
The internet did not exist. Digital technology did not exist. Really let that sink in. Imagine making a movie with no connections to begin with, and then imagine making it with ALL of the film equipment required. Keep in mind, back then, things were bulky, expensive, and hard to find. I can't begin to imagine what arduous obstacles an independent filmmaker back in the day had to go through. Budget's were in the thousands. Sometimes, they were in the 4-digit thousands.
That being said, if someone went through all of that to make something, you knew that person loved what they were doing, and loved movies with a burning passion. So even when they knew that what they were making wasn't exactly a masterpiece, they did their best and had lots of fun doing it.
And that's why these movies are so great, because even though they're bad, there was still a lot of care and love put into them. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the case with modern bad movies.
Modern Bad Movies are Pretentious
These movies are made seemingly for the sole purpose of capitalizing on trends and raking in money. That might even be forgivable, if they'd have fun with it. But they don't! In every trailer, they act like their piece of crap for brooding tweens is some kind of ground-changing epic masterpiece. I would embed trailers, but I don't think you even need to watch those to see what I mean. Just scroll back up and look at the posters! It's nauseating!
The Jackets are to Blame
The pretentiousness doesn't come from them trying to be artsy fartsy. It comes from the movies trying to be dark, deep, brooding, and above all else, cool. The guys all try to act like James Dean, if James Dean was a giant wimp with nothing to brood about and no personality.
(The hood protects the character from emotion)
The girls aren't much better. They have as much personality as the guys. (none) If a photographer's eye exists in the movie world, it certainly isn't located in these films. The music pieces are so bland and uninspired in these movies, that they really reflects the films they're used in.
The reason I say that: when the only characteristic in your work is a superficial interpretation of cool, utilizing nonsensical darkness and brooding, the only thing that can come out is blandness. Maybe that's the main reason these movies so unwatchable. They're so freaking bland! But that shouldn't work, because, "bland," means that something isn't really great, but not really bad. Just, "not memorable," at the very worst.
SOMEHOW, these movies found a way to be so bland, that it's absolutely repulsive.
Honestly, can you sincerely and wholeheartedly tell me that any of the good-bad movies I listed are bland? Now they're ALOT of things. But they are most certainly not BLAND. If asian girls kung-fu fighting inanimate objects with furious vigor is what you consider bland, then I really need to see what movies you're watching. The only way that can be bland-ified is if you turn the organic SFX into CG effects.
All in all, I'm a little worried. What does this mean for cinema as an art form, if even our BAD movies are completely unenjoyable? I guess it's up to us, the incoming generation of filmmakers, to bring good ol'-fashioned campy badness BACK to the silver screen!
NEXT TIME: I don't know. Something will inspire me to write eventually. Hopefully I'll be inspired more often.
